10 truths I want my autistic son to accept on faith as he navigates the world as an adult

Because mama said so

I first published this post about a year and a half ago on my 50ish with a Full Nest website (I’m moving a lot of content from there to here), but I took the time to make a few edits first. A few days ago, I got skewered on Twitter for using language that some #actuallyautistic folks found offensive.

I won’t pretend I completely agree with their arguments. I don’t know how I would have gotten the IEPs my child needed, for example, if I hadn’t been able to describe the behaviors that got in the way of his learning. But moving toward more inclusive language can be messy, and the whole situation reminded me of something I’ve been meaning to write about for a long time: The unintentional harm that can result when well-meaning people act like the ideal they’re striving for is already a reality. So I took the opportunity to write about that here before coming back to this one.

I also took the opportunity to review this article in its original form, and I did find some language that I can now see might be offensive. So I changed it. But I still have a responsibility to speak the truth, so that’s what I’m going to do, with as much sensitivity as I can. If I what I write upsets you, let me know in the comments. I can’t promise I’ll change anything, but I promise I’ll read your comments with an open mind and give them careful consideration.

So, with no further ado…

10 truths I want my autistic son to accept on faith as he navigates the world as an adult

1. Always start off on the right foot by saying “Sir” and “Ma’am.”

Because we live in the South, people give you the benefit of the doubt just for saying those words. Silly as it may seem, they carry incredible social currency. They make people more willing to overlook a few social miscues. (And I have to say that people have always complimented me on my son’s manners. I think having “rules” for talking to strangers made things easier for him.)

2. If your boss asks if you want to do something (“Hey, want to come help me with this?”), he’s not really asking.

It’s a polite way of telling you to. So don’t say, “No,” even if you don’t want to. Instead, do as you’re asked, and do it enthusiastically. (We put this one in the “trust your mama” category. He still doesn’t really get it — he doesn’t understand why people don’t just say what they mean — but he accepts it as true.)

3. You can’t just refuse to do work that you think is stupid, pointless, unnecessary, etc.

I know you thought you’d be done with “pointless” work once you graduated from high school. Unfortunately, you’ll encounter it in the working world, too. Most of the time, however, there will actually be a reason you’re not aware of. Other times, you may really know a better, faster way to get the job done. (And since you’ve already outsmarted both your school district and a national curriculum provider when it comes to IT security, I wouldn’t doubt you.) But wait until a time when your boss isn’t swamped, and ask permission to demonstrate your suggestions. And don’t talk about something being “pointless.” Talking about overcoming “inefficiency” and “waste” goes down much more smoothly. And I’m pretty sure they’d be willing to listen to your security suggestions. If not, though, carry on!

And don’t forget “Sir” and “Ma’am.”

4. Try to be a little less rigid when things don’t go according to your expectations.

Don’t get mad if your boss calls and asks you to come in on your day off. Somebody else probably called in sick, so he needs the help. You don’t have to say yes — although I strongly suggest you do if you don’t have other plans — but don’t go down the path of, “That’s so unfair! He has no right to ask me to come in if I’m not scheduled.” Yeah…he does, because he has a business to run and a schedule to fill.

The same is true if your boss asks you to do a different job or work in a different department one day. If circumstances change, what he needs from you may change. That’s why it’s called work!

Come to think of it, that applies to other situations, too. You tend to get stuck on small points and lead other people into circular arguments. (I suspect this might be intentional.) But even though it may have occasionally benefited you in high school, it’s unlikely to do so in the real world.

5. Let someone know if you don’t understand what they’re telling you or asking you to do.

You have very black-and-white thinking; The multi-colored, figurative speech of people who don’t have autism sometimes goes right over your head. So ask if you don’t understand.

It reminds me of Ramona the Pest, where the poor girl was crushed when she realized that, when her teacher said, “Sit here for the present,” it didn’t mean she’d be getting a gift.

6. Understand company hierarchy, and learn where you fit.

Many people with Pathological Demand Avoidance speak the same way to their bosses (and their boss’s bosses) as they do to anyone else. It’s important for you to accept that some people — like your boss — have legitimate authority over you at work. It’s also important to know where you stand in the work hierarchy. These are things most people naturally pick up. You may not, so don’t be afraid to ask someone to lay it out for you.

7. Show manners and kindness to everyone you work with, no matter where they are on the social or organizational hierarchy.

Think before you speak. Is it helpful? Is it true? (Wait — scratch that one. Even if it’s true, it may not need to be said.) Is it kind? If not, keep it to yourself unless (and I know you’ll ask this) it could cause a critical failure. Then handle things as gently as you can.

8. Watch for the social cues that can tell you if people are enjoying your conversation or are feeling bored or awkward.

Some topics you’re interested in would be considered “not safe for work.” Save those for me!

You may also find a new topic that interests you so much you’ll follow it down the very last rabbit hole. Some people may show interest in the beginning, but they’ll give out long before you do. Look for signs that people are ready to move on: fidgeting, playing with their phone, looking around the room, etc. Watch for the things you do when you’re uncomfortable. When you see those signs in other people, wrap things up and let someone else talk.

9. You will NOT do everything right at your job. No one does.

So don’t rebel against feedback. If you’re doing something wrong, you should welcome the opportunity to improve your performance. Keep in mind that it’s not all about you — when you’re at work, there’s a job that needs to be done. If you’re feeling a bit defensive — if you think the criticism is unfair, for example,— just say thank you (and don’t forget “Sir” or “Ma’am”) and walk away. Sleep on it. If it still bothers you, ask for a meeting to discuss it.

10. Resist the urge to prove you’re smarter than everyone else.

As much as you enjoy it, no one else does. (Well, I’m always up for the challenge, but consider me an anomaly.) Bosses, in particular, tend to hate it. Especially if you do it in front of other people.

My sweet, funny, brilliant, young man: You’re at a place on the spectrum that brings both blessings and challenges. You can “pass” well enough that no one may even suspect you have autism until something upsets your equilibrium. So you may want to tell people about being on the spectrum from the very beginning, just to help them understand you better and to make it easier for them to recognize when you may be feeling overwhelmed.

That’s up to you, of course. But I’ve been amazed over these last few years at how well you’ve come to know yourself. You know exactly what makes you tick — and what doesn’t. And the more of that you’re willing to share with people, the broader your horizons will be.

I’m so, so proud of you, and I’ll always, ALWAYS have your back.