We need to talk about the harm that is done when activists (and just us regular folks) act like the "ideal" is already here
Because reality exists
This post has been floating around in my head for years, but I didn’t think I’d ever actually write it. Then I shared a link to my post on the Pathological Demand Avoidance autism profile on Twitter and immediately got skewered.
A number of #actuallyautistic folks on Twitter are making the argument that people with autism shouldn’t be the ones who have to change their behavior or comfort zones for school, the workplace, social situations, etc. And they’re right. Just trying to get through the day at work or school is extremely stressful and takes an enormous amount of energy. It’s draining. I can tell by the look on my son’s face when I pick him up from work, and in the way he puts his headphones on as soon as he gets in the car, because he’s just done with peopling for the day.
But we don’t live in an ideal world; we live in reality. In reality, the vast majority of people are #notautistic. So, while it’s important to educate neurotypical people on how to relate to people with autism, that’s not something that happens overnight. Especially when you consider just how wide the autism spectrum is. It’s not as if anyone could come up with a single accommodation, all wrapped up with a pretty bow and ribbon, that would work for all autistic people. Because not even all autistic people think and feel the same way, or want to be “accommodated” the same way.
As an aside (because this doesn’t really have anything to do with my “ideal vs. real” theme), one #actuallyautistic person called me out for describing my son’s behavior (when he was young) as oppositional. She refused to believe me when I said my son wouldn’t be offended by that label, so I asked him.
He looked at me like I was nuts and said, “No, because I was.”
When I Tweeted that, her reply was, “I seriously doubt that.” She seems to have missed the semi-famous quote that says, “If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.”
I wanted to include autism since it was the inspiration for this post, but the “ideal vs. real” problem is even more evident in a couple of other situations.
Fat-shaming
The body positivity movement is a perfect example, as a conversation with my daughter from when she was about 8 illustrates:
OK, I still crack up at “Will it make me die?” This kid isn’t going to fall for anything that doesn’t make sense, and that should make her life a lot easier.
In all seriousness, though, I think the body positivity movement can cause real harm. I understand how parents who have suffered from low self-worth due to their weight — I was, and still am, one of them — want better for their daughters. Girls and women *should* be able to live their best lives without running everything through the filter of the number the scale shoves in their faces.
Unfortunately, we’re not there yet. Like it or not, our culture still values thinness, and pretending that isn’t true doesn’t help our daughters a teeny bit. Even if you’ve spent all of their elementary and middle school years convincing them that they’re perfect just the way they are, what do you think is going to happen when they get to high school and have a run-in with fat-shaming Mean Girls? They’re going to come home, hunt you down, and scream, “Liar!”
Yes, the Mean Girls are the ones in the wrong, but it’s not fair to let your daughter be blindsided by them.
Like it or not, acting as if the ideal you’re fighting for with your whole heart and soul already exists can cause real harm.
Victim blaming
Victim blaming is another example. Yes, girls *should* be able to go to a bar stark naked and drunk out of their minds without having to worry about being assaulted. Sadly, that’s not the way our world works. But if you try to voice that reality, you’re accused of victim blaming, and that’s both untrue and unfair. Victim blaming would be saying that a girl who was assaulted deserved it, which is very different from saying that there are things women and girls can do to reduce the risk of being assaulted.
And that’s the real issue: Whether it’s a drunk sorority girl stumbling home from a party or a busy mom running in the dark because that’s the only time she has, making people afraid to say there are things they can do to make themselves safer causes real harm.
The bottom line…
How does it help anyone to act as if the ideal world they’re fighting for already exists? Because it sure as heck doesn’t.
So I’m going to be realistic when talking to my daughter about safety and about the expectations our society has for women. And I’m going to continue teaching my autistic son the skills he needs to function in a world where most people know next to nothing about autism. Because waiting for them to learn how to relate to people with autism would take too damn long.
And that is the prelude to my next post: 10 Things I Want My Autistic Son to Accept on Faith as He Navigates the Neurotypical World. My experience on Twitter convinced me that I should write this article first!